First n Last step towards Wisdom...

First and last step towards wisdom…

After five year of my birth, my mother gave birth to one more child. His life originates in the same womb as mine. Till this time for me the word ‘brother’ is just the title given to a male child to describe his relationship to the other child of his parents. After his birth I first realized that, this single word ‘brother’ is not enough to describe my relation with him. My relation with him is seeing him growing, seeing him playing with my toys, seeing my happiness in his smile, feeling my looks in his face. People told me thousand of time that he just resembled to me, which I never notice, but I still love to believe them. In his increasing height and his strengthening arms, first time I felt life. I felt that life is dynamic, it is moving. Time is moving further and he grows up as time kept moving. I never taught him anything, I just let him whatever he was and whatever we was doing. Then after fifteen years, first time I tried to teach him something and it become the cause of death…
From last few months, I was observing him, what he is thinking, what he is thinking about life, about thing around him, about me, about family and what he is thinking about future. Then I find out that he is not thinking at all, his whole day is filled with school, friends, mom dad, toys, gadgets, homework and again friends… he is sleeping with earphone in his ears playing load music or with mom’s story in his ears. He wake up in the morning with a jump from the bed and again get busy with his day. He is not giving a single moment to stop and think. He never spends a minute with himself. This thing concerns me and I jumped in to help my little brother, or jump in to murder him. I blow off the candle which was lighting the life of my brother-cum-son.
What I did was, I called him and told him that I will give him an ipad but he had to do one thing for me. Ipad is for him something for which he can die for, so he jumped and hugged me and said. “Just tell me bro, I can jump from hundred story building for that.” This is what he does all the time, he just jumps into the situation without giving a second thought to it, and I think without given a first thought. He decide without thinking, there is no gap between my sentence and his response, even he never let me complete my sentence.
“ok relax, I am telling you, first get down from me son.” Yeah sometimes I call him son and he allows me to. Then I told him, “You don’t need to jump from a building, something much simple than this. You just need to spend two day only with yourself, no friends, no phone or laptop, no mom dad and not even me. You just live these two days with you only.”
“Ok done sir!” he is standing in front of me, giving me a salute… like I am an army officers and he is saying yes to my order. “My time already started or going to start now sir?” he asked having all his innocence in his excited eyes. And then I told him, “No, not from today son, your time will start from tomorrow, it will be Sunday and Saturday, so your school will be off, so you don’t need to go out of the home. For two days just stay inside. Go now.” And he left me, kissing on my cheek. And that was the last time I saw his smiling.
He went and filled the whole with his excitement. He told everyone that he is going to be alone for next two days. He even phoned his all friends and told them that he is going to get an ipad. And he also phoned his girlfriend … yeah there is a girl; he called her ‘his girlfriend’. I don’t know what they mean by girlfriend and boyfriend relationship… they are their own relationship… they don’t know what is ‘love’, but they are able to sense the difference between the friendship with a girl and friendship with a boy. Finally and hardly that day sets and he slept and our home again at peace.
Next day when I went to his room to check whether he is in his room or not and do he remember that bet or not, that time I first realized that I did something wrong with him. First time in fifteen years I saw him lying in bed and staring at ceiling without any expression. Of course his empty eyes made me afraid once but his filled mind and his new mature looks give me sense of satisfaction, so I just kissed his forehead and wished him good morning and best of luck for his ipad.
That day he didn’t come out of his room even for a single moment, mom sends his meals in his room. Even I don’t know what he did all day in his room, when at night I went to his room he was just sitting on the floor and was doing some paintings. All his fingers were in colors and reflection of those colors on his face. There were many expressions on his face at the same time, sadness, happiness, emptiness, satisfaction and many more which I failed to recognize; otherwise he would be still alive. 
I left his room that day without asking how his day was; now I crush myself for not asking that. But this crush can’t change anything. Crush can only widen the wounds, can’t heel them.
Next day when I went to his room he was not there, and then I looked for him. He was gone for running. I waited for him on gate, I saw him when he was coming back, he was running slowly, completely exhausted but when he saw me, he started running towards me with more energy now. From a distance I could not see his expression but his body was saying all things, he ran into me… he hugged me… he hugged me tightly and start crying like a small kid. He was almost screaming. His screams were penetrating me; even I don’t know when tears start flooding in my eyes. I let him cry, I let him melt.
“Bhaiiiiii, I can’t do it, I can’tttttttt…. There is nothinggggg… nothingggg… everythingggg is just meaningless……” He was screaming. His every word was solid, his every word was touching me…. And I can understand him completely, but I can’t help him, I was as much helpless as him… he was the only one who can help him. he just need to spend some time with this emptiness… this emptiness can take him to himself and I wanted him to meet him, so I let him move further in this emptiness.
That night he slept in my room with me. I can see clearly on his face that he has thousand of questions inside him, and those question come in bulk and in a single day, so there was a disastrous turbulence in his mind, I was about to advise him to write everything whatever is in his mind on the paper but then I thought that first he need some rest, that was my mistake and that mistake takes his life away. That was my last night with him, next morning we find his dead body in the bathroom, he sliced his wrist with a kitchen knife. And we lost him forever.
For everyone else he committed suicide but for me, it is me who murdered him.
Yeah he started moving towards wisdom, but it was his first and last step towards wisdom.
“Loneliness is equally dangerous and important.”


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