Sex Life of a Girl...a story
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Hey, Somya… call me when you are free… need your help… I am completely messed up!!!
I saw the above text message on my phone when I reached home around 10 pm from office. It was from my friend Kabir. He is a writer so he messed up most of the time. If this message would be some else’s then I might call them right at the moment thinking that there might be some emergency. But I know Kabir and his messing up. He is a person who would not say I am messed up when he is in a problem, he says this when he is messed up with his words. So I took my time changed and had dinner and then called him.
“Hello, Kabir… how are you? What happened?”
“I need your help Somya…” O god! not even a ‘Hello’! He is such a… Ok, leave it! He is like this.
“Yeah say, Kabir.”
“Listen Somya, I was writing something and I am completely lost now. I will give you a topic and you have to write on it. You have to pour everything in it whatever you think, know and feel about it.” He was speaking recklessly.
“Calm down first. I will write don’t worry about that but I have not written anything since years so don’t expect something worth reading from me. You are the writer here not me.”
“Ahhhh! Cut that crap. No one is the writer here. Just write. Should I tell you topic now?”
“Tell me.” He is never busy. But he always talks like he has to catch a train.
“Sex Life of a Girl…” He was not talking like he was talking about ‘SEX’ and that too with a girl. A girl, who is just his friend not the girlfriend but the moment I heard that, I was nervous. Certainly because he was the first guy who was talking to me on this topic. “Hmmm… ok... what you expect from me to write about it.” I said trying hard not to show him my offended-ness.
“Everything Somya! Everything! You know what I have observed one thing that a boy don’t feel the same about sex as a girl does. Sex has two different perspectives for boys and girls and this thing is creating 80% problems amongst boys and girls. I am a boy so I know only what a boy can feel about Sex. I can’t know what a girl feels about it. Please help me in it. Write everything about, how it starts when it starts and what it mean to girls… I don’t know. Please just write. And please don’t only write your point of view. I am talking about all girls. So try to write as a girl, not as a Somya.” I think I got it what he was trying to say.
“Ok… I will… but I need time. I really don’t have time these days.” I did not need time to write this, I needed time to think whether I should write it or not. And if I write, HOW, HOW would I be able to write everything truly when I know he has to read it. So this was a lie. But he is Smart, no one can win over him.
“Shut up! Somya! Do you know whom are you talking to? People who say they don’t have time always lie.” He was correct as always. “Don’t give this damn to me. You have one week.” What the hell he thinks he is! How the hell he can talk to me like this. I know you must be thinking like this. But believe me, he is rude. But he is like this. And he respects me I know so no issues.
“But why me Kabir?”
“Because I know you can Somya. I know you have guts to write the truth. I know you trust me enough to share your every dark and bright side. I know you know that you don’t need to hesitate to write anything to me.”
See! He is a good and understanding person. Yes, I know I don’t need to hesitate before writing anything to him. It was a strange trust, I can’t even tell you why I trust him so much. We just met a few times. I am more his fan than his friend. So I don’t know but yeah I trust him like a family. So I started writing and he was right when I started writing I finished it in two days even in my ‘I-don’t-have-time’ busy schedule. Then I sent it to Mr. Writer. I wrote:
Well… In our society girls are brought up in a much-closed environment. They are not exposed to the realities of the world very easily. Especially when it comes to knowing about their own body, love, relationship and most importantly ‘Sex’. A word to which they are kept very far until the time they grow up and start knowing about it themselves.
But it is not that a girl remains completely unknown to these feelings or realities.
The first time when a girl thinks or has some hints about this is when she turns thirteen. And I would not claim about those whose parents and teachers flinch from telling something about their own bodies. I mentioned this age because this is the time when they are expected to have reached the age of puberty. They are told that “You are grown up girl now. This is the natural process and you will bleed for 5 days every month. This would only stop for a while when you when you receive a sperm and give birth to a baby.”
Well… a very polished language which covers up everything without any hassle... and I was lucky to be informed about it in such a detail by my teachers otherwise, I cannot even imagine the situation where they are just conveyed by their mothers “Hota hai… sabke sath hota hai, isme shor machane ki zarurat nhi hai.”
Even these half pieces of information come with a warning…not to discuss these things openly.
These partial descriptions give rise to the curiosity of knowing more about our bodies. Knowing about the reason behind the ‘natural process’ and when a girl goes about exploring her body, she not only explores her body, she explores many other things. We are introduced to the word sperm, but we are not told about what is it and how it comes to our body… these unanswered questions give rise to the curiosity of knowing a complete truth. This curiosity is sometimes good as it finally allows us to come to terms with reality and sometimes it is devastating as well.
While some girls chose to explore their body themselves and other want to experience what sex actually is and what these feeling are.
I will not go into the social debate of not having sex before marriage because I myself do not believe in it. But at the same time choosing to sex at an age of 13 or 14 is not good for health either, because a girl goes through many physical and emotional changes at this point of life and body also takes time adopt these changes and make you ready for these things emotionally and physically.
If I discuss myself… I frankly accept that I was very dumb when it comes to knowing about my own body or feelings about sex… So I did not think about these things at an early age but almost 2 years later, when I came across the word ‘pornography’ in one of my textbooks, I googled it, and the world of pornography was right in front of me… when I had the first look, I was scared and it brought a feeling of disgust in me… I could not digest the fact that girls could pose nude in front of the camera with their legs open. But to add to my amazement, although I didn’t like those pictures, it brought a feeling to have a look at my own body…
I was alone at home and I decided to do something I had never done before. I came in front of the mirror and… took off my clothes. For the first time, I was looking at myself like this… I could not take away my sight. At that point of time I was not aware of what I was doing but now I can say I was looking at my body sexually… with a motive to see that I was sexually attractive…
I could not even realise when my hand slid to my vagina…… and that… was the first time I… masturbated ( I myself could not believe I was writing this, even after knowing this was not my personal diary and I was writing this for him to read..hahh…I was not actually writing, I was venting everything out and that actually disburdened me) At an age of 15 or 16…
I was not aware that it was called masturbation neither can I term that as masturbation… whatever… but it was very pleasurable and very liberating…
Not all girls are that patient while I started thinking regarding these feeling one of my friend had already chosen to have sex… on the other hand,I was still unaware of what the actual intercourse meant and how it took place.
Slowly and steadily these feeling started growing. Girls usually discuss these things with their best friends. We also use to discuss. The knowledge with everybody was partial so the question remained unanswered. Till finally one of our friend, got married. She then chose to tell us about it.
Girls… mostly when they come to know about it for the first time… they do not feel very good about it… because they are not able to understand the feelings attached to it. They feel ashamed of the fact that they would be nude in front of somebody and they are scared of the pain they will have to go through during intercourse. This brings a temporary hatred and repulsion into them. Same happened with all of us.
But this thing constantly remain in our thoughts whenever we are alone and we start realizing that it is not that bad either. This is the time where thinking of the society also plays apart. The dilemma to have sex before marriage or not to have sex before marriage.
But frankly speaking this has nothing to do with marriage. For girls sex is not just about physical satisfaction. It is about emotional satisfaction too…
For some girls the physical satisfaction is supreme for other emotional satisfaction is supreme… for some the path of emotional satisfaction goes through physical satisfaction and vice-versa.
The girls who give importance to emotional satisfaction find it difficult to have sex with any person they feel comfortable with. While on the other hand the girls who find physical satisfaction as supreme are more liberated and do not keep themselves in the shackles of the rules of the society. On the other hand those who yearn for emotional satisfaction feel sooo… attached to one person that they cannot have the same feelings with the other person they trust.
None of them are wrong. It is simply about perspective and preference. This is the reason girls do not have these feelings for every good looking man. They have these feelings towards the once whom they love or those to whom they are strongly attracted. With the age and situation feelings and perspective towards sex also changes.
From ‘not good at all’ to ‘not bad’ than we understand that the attraction towards opposite sex is natural and then a stage comes when we start realizing it is ‘pleasurable’… ‘Erotic.’
These feeling of sex being pleasurable arise when we have someone in our life who looks at us with that perspective…
I cannot explain how…but girls can very easily judge the way someone looks at them, the way someone touches them and the tonality of the person. If we get attention of somebody we like, love or admire, that is the time when a girl thinks about sex really often. Or if I give you the number… at least once in a day.
If a girl loves somebody or admires, she wants that person to look at her, to touch he… she wants to feel that she is precious to somebody, somebody who admires each part of her body… and not just body but beyond… that is actually when clothes becomes burden… some of them curb these feeling and others decide to break through the shackles and enjoy their life…
This phase came into my life very late…when he came into my life… I loved him from the core of my heart. And I know the reason too. He was the only one who treated me as a normal girl, who a heart which has feelings, who just loved to be given a compliment. Who loved to hear that she is beautiful and her body was beautiful.
So… my feelings towards him… (well I am going to confess something I never did before). My feelings towards him were not at all platonic. Naaahhh! Not at all. They were certainly sexual and emotional. I had a sexual attraction towards him… and I do not know the reason. I guess nobody does.
I have not written all this to tell you a love story but to give you an overview how the feelings of a girl change when she has somebody in her life.
I wanted him to look at me and touch me. A girl who had always believed in virginity… was yearning for a man’s love… for his touch. I was talking to him once and I wanted him to be in front of me, I wanted him to touch me… and that was the time… when clothes felt like I am tied with shackle or as if they were choking me… I was alone at my home so I decided to break through this shackle… I took off my clothes… my hands were shivering to do that. Because when I did it for the first time I was unaware of what I was doing, why I was doing. I was just a kid… but now I was a grown up girl. Completely aware of what I was doing… why I was doing… answers were simple but very hard to accept for a girl like me… I was doing this because I wanted sexual satisfaction. And the fight between the head and heart… my mind was speaking of rules and norms of society… that this is not good. But I chose to follow my heart. So I just continued… I threw myself in bed and decided not to think at all… I kept lying on the bed… with my hand open… when my mind stopped to think, my heart felt elated, disburdened and free…
I was amazed by this feeling. What I feel was exactly contrary to what I thought I would feel… it felt as if I have broken all the shackles… I moved my hands all over my body… I was amazed my own touch and thoughts were making me lubricate. And I touched my vagina. I masturbated.( Ahhh what the hell I was writing. I thought I can never let Kabir read this but then I thought, come-on he is a writer, he would be knowing these things and if he does not know about it, then he should know. I almost scolded my heart for not being mature and continued) This time it was actually masturbation and not just the touches as it was before… the feeling I went through were erotic. It is difficult for me to explain in words… I can just say that the feeling were beautiful. But I started doing all this as I thought I would feel satisfied, on the contrary when I stopped myself… I had tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips. Instead of feeling satisfied I was craving… I had tears in my eyes because I was craving for his touch… and I was craving to be with him. But I had to control myself… I had to curb these feelings... I hugged myself, wrapped my arms around myself and was wandering over my destiny… I got disheartened for a few moments as the thought of being alone surrounded me. I thought if I was destined to stay alone… but then I shunned all these thoughts, thought of the beautiful feelings I went through just now wore a smile on my face and filled some positivity.
The best thing was… I could see a change in my thinking, I was not worried about what I did was right or wrong. I was happy for what I did and I am glad I did not feel guilty because that is the worst thing a girl does to herself. You should never feel guilty of the feelings that come from your heart because that is actually the voice of your soul which is never incorrect. This is when I felt sex or sexual feelings were pleasurable…elating and beautiful…
Apart from this when girls grow up and form their perception and thought about sex, every girl knows the difference between fucking and love making. And these words might be synonymous to each other but they have a huge difference when you see it with the perspective of a girl. Fucking is when all she is concerned for is the penetration into her vegina for having an orgasm and love making is when each part of her body is sensitive enough to give her numerous orgasms by his touch, when your eyes are enough to arouse her and lubricate her, when your words and your voice tickle her… when sex becomes an extension to love.
Some people don’t believe in this but this is true, touch is not something which is necessary needed to arouse a girl. The way a man looks at her, the way he speaks to her also plays a very important role…
The way a man looks at her can make her feel insecure and naked even when she is completely clothed and the change in the way of looking can make her feel at peace and completely secure even when she is completely naked in front of him. And the biggest truth is that both fucking and love making is needed and important. It simply depends on the mood and situation.
Some people or I must say girls think and say that they don’t think about sex, this is completely incorrect. They do not think about it as frequently as boys do… but when they think about it, there feelings are very strong. Some choose to curb their feelings thinking that this is wrong. Nothing is wrong till the time your heart and conscience allows you to do it.
I think I should sum this up now… with a quote that I came across and I strongly believe in this…
letting them into your spirits, thoughts, fear, future, hopes, dreams...
After I finished writing, I thought I should leave a note for Kabir as well as I thought I would not be able to talk to him much after he reads this. I was not sure if I would feel awkward in talking to him so I thought to write what I wanted to say:
So Mr. Writer… This piece of information might not be of any use to you…
This is very general, usual and I think you already know this but writing this was not at all easy for me… after all I have mentioned some moments that were really personal to me… but it was very nice experience to write this. I confessed the feelings that were buried deep inside me and that is the best thing I felt when I wrote this.
Thank you sooooo much for making me write this… I have made you a partner in all the ‘crimes’…hahahaha….
I am blessed to have a friend like you.
I can’t believe I wrote it for him. I sent it as I finished it otherwise I would never be able to send it to him, not because he is not worthy of my trust… but because even I don’t know what I have written in it. I did not even thought of reading it once to make corrections because I knew, if I read it I would never send it to him.
About after 15 minutes he was calling me on my phone. I knew he read it. My heart was heaving itself backwards. I seriously didn’t have the guts to take his call. I didn’t have the guts to face his questions, not at that time. So whole day I didn’t take his any call.
Next day, when time consoled my heart I made him call.
“Hi Kabir! How are you?” I hope I was sounding normal.
“Hi Somya. I am fine. How are you?” No way! This was not Kabir. Now he was sounding abnormal. He never spoke like that. For the first time I felt he chose to think before he spoke to me. He was searching for the right way to start up the conversation for the first time.
“I am fine Kabir…” I knew he was going to speak about it in the next line. I don’t know why I heard my nerves. Of course it was not an interview. We are friends. And by the way I am elder than him.
“I read your writing Somya.” His abnormally normal voice was making me nervous.
“hmmm say…” and my normally abnormal voice was making me more nervous.
“Listen Somya… first thing is you gave me a competition. Your writing is superb. You wrote it beautifully. You are better writer than me… and see I am not ashamed of saying this.”
I was just listening… he was playing it well by not directly coming to point. Yeahhh…he actually knew how to make a girl comfortable. I was meeting this Kabir for the first time otherwise he is always blunt and to the point.
“Second thing is thanks a lot, thanks a ton for trusting me like this. This is too much for me. Too much. I must be very good person if a girl trusts me that much. Thanks a lot. But why Somya? Why?” First time he was talking to me like this. His tone was soft.
“I don’t know Kabir… I don’t know.” That was truth I seriously didn’t know. And I still don’t know.
“Ok. I can understand. Listen now third and important point.” Yes I was ready now. No more feeling nervous. He had succeeded in what he was trying to do.
“Your article completely changed my view about girls and a girl’s thinking about sex. I drew an important conclusion from it. You remember I told you that I think Girls possessive about it.
On the other hand boys are completely free, they go outside hang out with friends, they talk about sex openly with friends. So they have many sources but problem with them is, their sources are cheap. Of course they don’t get to know about it from teachers or parents or any other intelligent source. They themselves or some senior boys but it just becomes fun for them. Talking about it or doing it just becomes fun for them, a source to gain pleasure.
So this is what I got till now. It should be corrected. They should have sources to know about it whenever they want to know about it and those sources should be good. That’s it.” His words made me think and he was correct. The quest for knowing the truth and experience it leads some boys to the wrong direction due to which they rape a girl and they never know what that means to a girl and would never be able to understand the trauma that she goes through. On the other hand girls end up killing themselves as they make it a taboo. Sex and the feelings related to it should be respected and handled maturely.
It is time to break through the unseen shackles and discuss these things so that they are neither considered as taboo nor as a joke.
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